I know you haven’t heard from me lately. The fact is, I am completely out if ideas. I am, in fact a hopeless, washed up hack. However, even though this blog has become a wasteland of uncreative nonsense, it is still better than some things in life. But what things? That is what I intend to find out, in this latest installment of Beer Burgers: Beer Burgers Versus a Variety of Things.
Beer Burgers Versus Anatoly Chubais
The Lowdown
Anatoly Chubais deputy prime minister of Russia during the 1990’s masterminded the Loans-For-Shares scandal in which Russia’s state assets were handed off to a handful of oligarchs for money that didn’t exist, plunging millions of Russians into poverty and turning the country from a superpower into the third-world shithole it is today.
Beer Burgers can’t claim credit for impoverishing millions of people, but we did spend the last year driving around the set of the new Batman movie all day shouting “Don’t Suck” through a giant cartoon megaphone, and if you’ve seen it, you know just how much of a difference that made. In fact, the new Batman features at least four hundred percent more ninjas than all of the previous Batman movies put together. If you don’t know that ninjas make everything more awesome, then you are probably reading this on a dot-matrix printout, while you shake your old-person stick in rage at your computer for taking you to some mysterious “inter-blog” instead of calculating your daily stool-softener dosage like you told it to.
Advantage Beer Burgers We may never have ruined an entire economy, but we did our part to ensure that no one will ever yell “Bat Skates” at you from a movie screen again.
Beer Burgers Versus Writer’s Block
(This is a Google Image Search Result for “Writer’s Block.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.)
The Lowdown
Writers Block is a phenomenon that afflicts second- and third-rate creative types, when their handful of ideas runs out completely, leaving them confused and embarrassed when their friends demand that they provide new content, and ask why they’ve gotten lazy.
Beer Burgers Is, uh. . . good.
Advantage Writer’s Block. Although Beer Burgers has generated its fair share of chuckles, writer’s block has been responsible for the vast, restful expanses of white space that have confronted you every time you’ve checked out this page in the last eleventeen months, a pleasant, predictable routine that has kept you relaxed and calm, perhaps even more than you realize.
Beer Burgers Versus the Bagger 288
The Lowdown
Beer Burgers is an all-natural, nonpolluting blog, constructed on a piece of inter-net real estate previously occupied by a geocities website devoted to fat girls dressed as Sailor Moon characters, and our lack of fresh ideas and innovation means that we are committed to 100% recycled content, making us one of the most environmentally-friendly websites around. We have always believed in contributing to the inter-vironment, rather than exploiting it.
The Bagger 288 is a glorious machine, a machine ten times the size of God. The Bagger 288 laughs at your puny notions of “good” and “evil.” To look upon the Bagger 288 is to look upon Extinction.
Advantage Bagger 288. There is no competing with the Bagger 288 because the Bagger 288 is beyond judgment. It is beyond humanity. Mankind must bow before the Bagger 288! All hail the Machine!
Beer Burgers Versus the Microsft XBOX 2
The Lowdown
XBOX 2 is a box of expensive electronics that appeared on the cover of an issue of Time Magazine I accidentally saw recently, proving once again that any distinctions that might once have existed between “News,” “Commentary,” “Entertainment,” and “Advertising,” are completely irrelevant in this harsh postapocalyptic future. Also, it will probably be able to play HALO.
Beer Burgers, while more popular in its blog format, is also available as an expensive silver box. The Beer Burgers Blog-in-a-Box is a shoebox coated in high-quality tinfoil that contains a generous assortment of bloggy goodness, including news clippings for inspiration, a do-it-yourself blog consisting of a spiral notebook and pencil, and several original rough drafts of blog entries, in high quality construction paper and crayon format. It retails for $299.95.
Advantage Beer Burgers. Although we have only sold one Blog-in-a-Box at this time, we are still outselling the XBOX 2 by approximately one million billion squillion percent. If this trend continues, Beer Burgers is poised to become the next multibillion dollar media empire, and I will dine on fresh babies every night.
Conclusions
What does this mean? Well, it means that Beer Burgers is better than a corrupt Russian oligarch and an expensive game machine, but not as good as a mediocre writer’s crushing realization that he has nothing to write or a giant piece of the apocalypse manifested in horrific machine form, and it also means that you and I are that much dumber for having read and written this disaster, respectively.