No jokes this time.
Thursday, December 30th, 2004Time to nut up and do the right thing, folks.
Archive for December, 2004
The Beer Burgers Christmas Special
Thursday, December 23rd, 2004Gather Round Children, I have a very special story to tell about a holiday miracle. It seems once upon a time, there was a country singer named Chely Wright who wrote a song called “The Bumper of my SUV.” It was a patriotic song, and it was all kinds of supporting the troops, and the lyrics were a magical thing, and they went like this:
I’ve got a bright red sticker on the back of my car Says United States Marines And yesterday a lady in a mini-van held up a middle finger at me Does she think she knows what I stand for Or the things that I believe Just by looking at a sticker for the US Marines On The Bumper Of My SUV
See, my brother, Chris, he’s been in for more than 14 years now Our dad was in the Navy during Vietnam Did his duty then he got out And my grandpa earned his purple heart On the beach of Normandy That’s why I’ve got a sticker for the US Marines On The Bumper Of My SUV
But that doesn’t mean that I want war I’m not Republican or Democrat But I’ve gone all around this crazy world Just to try and better understand
Yes I do have questions I get to ask them because I’m free That’s why I’ve got a sticker for the US Marines On the Bumper Of My SUV
Cause I’ve been to Hiroshima And I’ve been to the DMZ I’ve walked on the sand in Baghdad Still don’t have all of the answers I need But I guess I wanna know where she’s been Before she judges and gestures to me Cause she don’t like my sticker For the US Marines On the bumper of my SUV
So I hope that lady in her mini-van Turns on her radio and hears this from me As she picks up her kids from their private school And drives home safely on our city streets Or to the building where her church group meets
Yeah, that’s why I’ve got a sticker for the US Marines On the bumper of my SUV
— Chely Wright
Now leaving aside the song’s artistic merits, and they are few, its none-too-subtle culture war subtext, and its carefully-marketed exploitation of animosities that are, oh, kind of TEARING THIS COUNTRY APART, we are still left with the fact that Ms. Wright actually does have a brother in the Marines, so the song is still, arguably an expression of genuine emotion. And this is where we get into the real Christmas miracle.
You see, last week, people in the military and their families called up radio stations all over the country and requested this song, and the DJ’s were so moved by this spontaneous outpouring of feelings, that the song rocketed up the charts. Then, a couple of days ago, an article
came out in the Nashville Tennesean about how the “Military Families,” were, in fact, a well-organized “Street Team” who made dozens of calls posing as military personnel and military family members in order to get the song airplay. What a heartwarming story.
One of the loathsome lard-beasts (see below) responsible for this scam claimed that it was being honest because it had a brother in the Air National Guard, but many of the others had no military family whatsoever.
Ham Enthusiast and master of DJ illusion
Stephanie Hoffpauir blew the whistle on the scheme
The best part of the story, though, is that when the Tennesean ran the article, people actually called and wrote in to complain. You see, the song Supports our Troops, and therefore, anything anyone does to get it on the air is Justified. And it is to those people that this Holiday Message goes:
Dear Sirs and/or Madams:
When you pretend to be in the military in order to further your personal goals, you are not Supporting the Troops. You are, in fact, Exploiting the Troops, and you make a mockery of the real sacrifices that they are making for you. You know how I know that? Because I am a Marine. I’m pretty sure of that because when I look down at my shirt, it says US Marines right on there. And all of you subliterate fuckholes who think it’s ok to pretend to be a Marine as long as you’re “supporting the troops” I encourage you to come to my neighborhood and try that shit. Seriously. Try it. And to those of you who actually want to support the troops, well you can buy me a fucking beer.
Semper Fi
I don’t usually do this, but this is one awesome link
Sunday, December 12th, 2004This is the coolest thing I have seen in quite some time. Seriously, take some time and look at it, especially you U of C types.
As for me, I’m sort of stuck for ideas lately. Several times I’ve sat down in front of this computer and sworn to myself that I’m not getting up until I’ve written something funny, and I just can’t get anything to come to me. I haven’t given up, and I haven’t forgotten you, but now just doesn’t seem to be the time for me. Anyway, I’m going to stop pushing myself, and just kind of sit back and live life and hope that an idea comes my way.