Beer Burgers

Via portal of evil news

The Japanese have done it at last. I always knew they would: GIANT FUCKING ROBOT

In an effort to revitalize this blog, I am going to start a couple of new projects. This is the first one. I figure if I’m not as creative as I was, I should steal some ideas from other people, so here we go:

Today, I steal from 5ives.

Five things Brad Pitt should have said in Seven Years in Tibet

1. Seriously, dude, take that hat off, or I’m not talking to you.
2. I’m not joking here. Lose that fucking hat.
3. Holy shit! That guy has the biggest god damn hat I’ve ever seen. Aren’t you jealous, captain smallhat?
4. Of course you’re being invaded by the Chinese. Look at their hats. They are small and drab, while your whole nation seems to be devoted to producing the most insane headgear imaginable.
5. I think I’m in love with your hat.

“Now my vision for this, bear with me here Dean, is a scholarship for hot chicks. Not so much strictly to send them to college, but to have them come over, and, you know just, like hang out, and sort of see where it goes. Yeah, a million dollars. Now to make this work, I’m going to need pictures of all the chicks who are applying this year and. . . hello?”

“Look, I’m building this army of robot apes, sorry, this unholy army of robot apes, and if you don’t want to be a part of that, then I will carry the torch of progress alone.”

“If I don’t see some dancing out of these orphans this is the last check I’m ever going to write. You hear me, Father?”

“They’re homeless, for god’s sake! If I don’t buy them booze, who will?”

“Look, you people have been sending missionaries over there for, what, twenty years? And they’re still starving, right? I’m saying, let’s send them some damn playstations and at least cheer them up a little. No, I’m not paying for any medicine. I hate sick people.”

“What do you mean, it’s not possible to reanimate the dead? Whose name is on the goddamn building, huh? Now are you an evil genius or aren’t you? What do you mean, you’re a physicist?”

“KILL THEM ALL, MY ORPHAN-POWERED ROBOT APES! KILL THEM AND FEAST ON THEIR FLESH!”

“Man, I am the best philanthropist ever.”

I’ve hit kind of a rut lately in my interweb life, and so I struck out today to find some new, interesting stuff. So far, here are the results. Not so bad, for a single afternoon:

Tailors Today is a funny, extremely well-written short story-style blog.

eXile is a Moscow-based alternative newspaper with an awesomely cynical attitude and some quality bitterness.

If any of you have some quality websites you want to share, that’s what the comments box is there for. There are ways you can contribute to this blog besides criticizing me, you know.

VH1 has a show out called “100 reasons the ninties rocked.” The segment I saw was all about Rupaul and Anna Nicole Smith’s early career. Besides the earth-shattering pointlessness of exhuming this kind of utterly worthless and forgettable garbage from the seemingly bottomless vault of America’s pop culture history, this means that less than five years into the new decade, we are already seeing the beginning of ninties retro.

The retro gap, which has been narrowing steadily for decades, is now only four years long. At this rate, by 2010, things that are cool when you see them in a store will be out of style by the time you pay for them, and retro by the time you walk out of the store. By 2050, we’ll have to look to the future for our retro. Hipsters will line up to go to the first Mars colony in 2055, because it’s, like totally 2070’s to live on Mars.

Our only hope for any kind of coherent progression of art and culture is to develop time travel. In the meantime, I’m going to break out my big pants and wallet chain, because the ninties are back, baby, big time!

Warning: This entry contains completely unnecessary and gratuitous uses of the word “fuck.”

also “tits.”

I spent this morning volounteering at a local elementary school, helping out with the kindergarteners. The teacher had me working on the “art table.” I had to make the kids do a little listening excercise and then draw a dragon. At first, I was intimidated and a little freaked out. I mean, I don’t know how to handle kids. They’re pretty much tiny, stupid criminals, and you can’t curse around them or hit them or you will get in trouble.

So I let them get out of control once or twice, but by the end, I could keep them quiet, which was about as good as I hoped to get. The whole experience was wierd and mostly unpleasant, but it did have one compensation. Kids say some fucked up cool stuff. So here we go.

Dialogue number uno.

Me: Okay, so now you can turn the paper over and draw your own dragon. Youn can make it look like whatever you want.

Little kid: Can I draw a monster truck with a dragon painted on it?

Me: ummm. . . yeah, I guess. That would be okay.

A little later

Me (Pointing to indecipherable squiggle on paper): Is that your dragon?

Kid: It’s a monster truck that can read minds.

Dialogue number the second

Little boy: My dad is a firefighter.

Little girl: My dad’s in jail. Up in Louisiana fer shootin’ that deer.

Little boy: He ain’t never gettin’ out.

Little girl: No he ain’t.

Me: ummm. . . . I think if you’re good they let you out of jail.

Little boy: Yes they do.

Little girl: My daddy ain’t never gonna be good.

Anyway, that’s the only news I have to share, but as long as I’m addressing the entire internet, what the fucking hell is up with this shit where basic cable stations take perfectly good movies and break them up with five minute segments of idiotic commentary by no-charmisma z-list fake celebrities? I mean my God, I’m trying to watch Die Hard With a Vengeance here. I am prepared to suck up some commercials because I know you have to pay the bills, but I will not sit here and watch some overweight Carson Daly wannabe make painfully forced banter with a fake blonde with fake tits and a fake tan. I have some dignity, and there are reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation that I am one goddamn second away from flipping to.

That is all.