Beer Burgers

As I get older, I find myself slowly losing sight of the things that used to make the holidays so special. It’s so easy to forget that, for a wide-eyed innocent child, whose entire emotional range consisted of varying levels of a slavering greed for toys, the most important thing in the world was to get presents. That’s why we believed in Santa, as kids. We knew our parents would never get us all that cool stuff. They used to waste hundreds of dollars on groceries every year, when we could have easily been hungry for a week or two, and had a GI JOE Aircraft carrier as our reward.

As we grow older, we buy ourselves the stuff we want. We don’t expect our parents or friends to buy us big screen TV’s or new cars. Christmas presents just aren’t the same when you can afford them yourself. But sometimes, a little Christmas magic comes along, and we get exactly what we want. And I just did: Insane Clown Posse Fans.

Thank you, Santa. I will never doubt you again.

Here we go:

From Wicked Joe

I think all of you are fucking pussys who cant stand freedom of speach and rap that has parental advisory because your mom told you not to listen to it.

There is so much wrong with this (and by extension, with you) that I don’t even know where to begin. Let me start by saying that freedom of speech means I get to not like your favorite band, and I get to talk about it. Let me continue by saying that, whatever issues you may have with your mother, I pick my music based on what it sounds like. Let me conclude by saying that you’re supposed to pound the keyboard with your hands, not your face.

Are you a millionare? I didnt think so, obviously Insane Clown Posse got them selves from nothing to something.

You are right. I am not a millionaire. I assume you are, so can you maybe give me some hot stock tips or something? Maybe a ride in your fast car or hot air balloon? No?

You know who was a millionaire? Henry Ford. Therefore, if you don’t drive a Ford, you must be stupid. See the logic here? I thought not.

What if i stabbed your mom in the head with a butcher knife and went around the internet making pussy comments behind her back about it? Would you appriciate it? I didnt think so either,

Okay, I think we all can agree that making fun of someone’s favorite band is at least as bad as stabbing their mother in the head with a butcher knife, if not much, much worse. But let me just point out that nothing on the internet is “behind anyone’s back.” It’s out there for the whole world to see. Businessmen in Australia and schoolchildren in Singapore can read this creatively-punctuated diatribe of yours. I don’t know how you can handle the shame, but that’s between you and them. It’s all out in the open, and I certainly am not afraid to make my opinion known. That’s what freedom of speech is all about.

I my self am a big ICP fan because they tell you that you can be what you want and do what you want

If you need a stranger in clown paint to tell you what to do, may I recommend KISS? They stand staunchly in favor of not taking it, and also not taking it any more.

they send a message not to be greedy, its your life live it,

Wow, musicians who are against greed? And in favor of freedom? Well hand me some mascara and faygo! All the artists I like are always telling me to follow authority without thinking.

and if you listen carefully and obviously your not, you would understand that they are telling people that everybody is equal.

How is it that you kids are so easily satisfied with cheesy new-age platitudes when they come wrapped in a giant burrito of stupid, but when the Cartoon All-Stars work their animated tails off to tell you to stay off drugs and have some self-respect for yourselves, you just don’t listen?

So get your head out of your dads ass for just a minute and look around dick face.

I don’t expect you guys to be civil, original, or able to spell or punctuate, but just once I would like to see an ICP fan with a little bit of creativity in his profanity. For example (CAUTION: EXPLICIT LYRICS AHEAD, FUCKSTICK): Go back to felching your grandmother’s withered cuntflaps, you cum-guzzling dumptruck of gay.

Anyway, Wicked Joe did a pretty good job fighting for justice with that little fagsplosion, but he felt that justice hadn’t been served, so before I could respond, he came back with this little retarded afterbirth:

Posted by: Wicked Joe at December 23, 2003 11:09 PM
Juggalos!! Juggies! ICP Forever!!!! DONT LIKE IT DEAL WITH IT

I’m going to try to respond to this in a way Wicked Joe can understand. Ready? Here we go:

I LEIK PIE!

Did it work?

Then, to mix metaphors, for dessert, we have this cryptic offering from “Jay:”

Thy Unveiling - “Truth is, we follow GOD! We’ve always been behind Him. The Carnival is GOD and may all Juggalos find him!”

That is all you need to know about ICP, asshole.

In other words, “It’s not just a crappy band, it’s a crappy religion.” You guys are such winners. Hey, you’re entitled to your beliefs, but you know what’s great about my religion? No clown paint.

Anyway, merry Christmas to all of you, retarded or not. And thanks, Santa. I do believe again.

I found this on an web page some years ago. I don’t know who wrote it, and neither does google. If I could, I would credit them properly. I am sharing it with you now, because this is the time. If you have ever been offended by anything ever, please do not read it. Go somewhere nice instead.

Anyway, here it is. I like to think of it as Tolkein’s lost work:

In Rohan they say, the pussy’s okay.
The tall shield-maidens ride all day,
And come home drunk and ready to play.
But who wants cunt that reeks of horse?
Gondor pussy’s best, of course!

In Rivendell the girls are swell.
Those Elven lips do the job so well.
But whining Elf-chicks give us hell.
Why go on Arwen’s fucking quest?
Gondor pussy always says yes!

A hobbit-lass is fun to harass.
Her pussy’s tight as human ass.
And smells about the same; I’ll pass.
No freakish midgets need apply.
Gondor pussy’s the reason why!

And there’s a whore in Erebor,
Who like a draught of miruvor
Will keep you going ’till you’re sore.
But Dwarven chicks have beards. Bad move!
Gondor pussy’s nice and smooth.

Oh, Mordor chicks are good for kicks.
That pussy’s worth a couple licks.
They know all sorts of naughty tricks.
But Goth girls ain’t my cup of tea.
Gondor pussy! That’s for me!

Gondor pussy! Tight and sweet!
The finest Numenorian treat!
Even the wisest of the Wise
Crave those creamy Gondor thighs.
Why lust for hordes of Orcs to slaughter?
I’ll take a fair Gondorian daughter.
Who cares for rings or palantirs?
What are you guys, a bunch of queers?
Give me a cask of Dorwinion wine,
And pussy of the Dunedain.
That’s the cunt I’ll always love,
Soft as a moistened velvet glove,
That never gives you cause for tears:
It stays tight after ninety years!
Yeah, go and seek your little quest
While I seek me some Gondor breast.
Go read the Silmarillion,
While I go fuck a million
Sweet Gondor girls by the Anduin,
Eglerio! Oh praise that quim!

As some of you no doubt know, I have been single for quite some time now, and I have begun to ponder some slighty unorthodox options for finding love and fulfillment in this crazy world we live in. I’m going to list them here, and you can all chime in on which one you prefer.

Drown my sorrows in alchohol
While drunk, I am easily tricked. This makes me more vulnerable to my enemies, who invariably take advantage of my temporary incapacitation to hide my wallet, position the coffee table so that my shins slam into it whenever I walk through the living room, and plant vomit all over my bed. Aside from that, I can’t see any downside to this.

Build a robot girlfriend.
While this plan combines my passion for robots with my passion for girlfriends, it has the rather major disadvantage that I don’t really know how to build a robot. I have completed a prototype which consists mainly of empty beer bottles and slinkies, with a wig on top, but dating it has proven somewhat problematic. For one thing, we get a lot of looks when we go out together. I don’t mind that much. I mean, if people are going to be small-minded and petty, that’s their problem, not mine. The problem comes in when parts of her fall off in public. I have started carrying her around in a garbage bag, but that just doesn’t look cool, no matter how you do it.

Become a necrophiliac
Like most guys, I dream of a girlfriend who doesn’t talk, and there’s no better way to achieve that than dating the dead. Unfortunately, there are some major problems with the idea. For one, necrophiliacs are going to be the natural fifth column in the event of a zombie attack, and I couldn’t go down in history as a traitor to my kind. Anyway, it would be pretty ironic if, after spending my entire life preparing to fight zombies, I ended up dating one. Anyway, dead girls can’t wash dishes or do laundry, so that pretty much ruins the whole idea.

Make up a fake girlfriend who lives in Canada
This is difficult to verify, and has the potential to make me look cool. Also, my Canadian girlfriend can be as hot as I want her to be, and she can be a spy, or a cowgirl or something. The problem is, I’m just not a natural liar. Because this looks like the most realistic option, I ran a computer simulation of it to see how well it would work. Here’s what came out:

Me: Yeah, this is a picture of my girlfriend. She lives in Canada.

Friend: You never told me you had a girlfriend. What’s her name?

Me: Ummm. . . Steve.

Friend: Steve?

Me: Yes. . . It’s an old Canadian name.

Friend: What?

Me: She lives in Oregon.

Friend: That’s not even in Canada.

Me: I’m pretty sure it is.

Friend: No. It’s not. Look, I’m just trying to humor you here. That’s clearly not a picture of your girlfriend.

Me: What do you mean?

Friend: You tore it out of a magazine. Look, there’s an ad for cologne on the other side.

Me: She likes cologne.

Friend: You’re an idiot.

Me: Well at least I have a girlfriend.

Friend: I’m married.

The Return of the King will rock your face right off your head. I have proof. Oh yes. Oh God yes.

We, as a society, do not deserve this movie. We could ride rocket-powered unicycles to work, genetically engineer apes capable of playing kickass guitar riffs, and replace the Supreme Court with a cyborg chainsaw death match arena, and we would not kick one tenth enough ass to deserve this movie. When something this good happens, we have no choice but to prepare for the inevitable karmic crotch punch that will be coming down the line to even the score. I predict massive floods, wildfires, and/or skeleton warrior invasions across the Midwest. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to pay the price.

Okay, look, I’m sorry. I know this is really predictable, and somethingawful beat me to the punch ages ago, but just hear me out.

From Lifetimetv.com. The forum is called “Real women, true stories.” The description is as follows:

Have you ever been deceived by someone you trusted? Has a single incident ever changed your entire life? Are true stories your favorite kind of Lifetime Movies? Here’s the place to share your real-life stories.

Here are some posts. Please don’t hate me for this. These are all unedited, and these people voluntarily posted them where the whole world could see. I will not be making snide comments or anything (with the exception that I am far from convinced that “poni girl” is, in fact, a girl). The posts are here. Make of them what you will.

By corgab1@aol.com on Monday, November 17, 2003 at 9:42am   (#165 of 165)

I don’t know where to begin . I need alot of room for this segment of my life . All I can say is that my story has to be written and made clear to many people who know what it’s like to suffer from something which the world would call “MENTAL ILLNESS” . Knowing what I went through , I can truly say that If it were not for the Lord who was on my side , I would not be here today . I do know that I have gone through such intense fire but yet the Lord sustained me for His glorious purpose . I’m pleased to say today that I am Free . I would like to share my story , and possibly even form a support group for the hurting souls who don’t know where to turn , because no one will listen to them , even the Doctors are sick of hearing about what these hurting people have to say . To me ,if you got a good Dr. who will really take the time to listen , that’s great. My Dr. was NOT always “RIGHT” but just “WRITE” a Perscription not 1 or 2 but 4 to 5 . bye bye for now .

By Poni Girl on Sunday, August 17, 2003 at 3:54pm   (#159 of 165)

Dale
Hello ladies!!!

Who knows wha about Dale Midkiff… he is a super stud!

By stefany_always on Tuesday, May 27, 2003 at 2:19pm   (#154 of 165)

my bf’s 1st time : an “incest”
My bf once told me about his first time: when he was 12, with the mother of his friend, that was 35. They had sex during 1year and a half, every week.
That disgusted me, it looked like incest and it’s illegal.
It’s been 9months I’m with this guy (he’s 23too)I think I didn’t get completely over this thing. I think about it something like once a week.
And sometimes I even think “I wish I could have a “clean man”" because I feel “clean” as I had only 2men in my sexual life (though 15dates). And he looks “dirty”.
Why does it still disgust me when I think about it? Do I really need to find someone else?

By crystalgerdes1 on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 at 11:36am   (#148 of 165)

about a girl gettin drowing in bevercreek in nebraska
is there any way you can play the movie hazard because i would like to see that movie and i have never see it at all plz

thank you
crystal

By TRYING01 on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 at 7:39pm   (#110 of 165)

I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW TRUE THE STORY WAS TONIGHT ABOUT THAT LITTLE BOY. ITS A SHAME HOW THE SYSTEM FAILS THE CHILDREN .THEY THINK THERE DOING THERE JOB BY TAKING THESE KIDS FROM THERE PARENTS AND PUTTING THEM IN HOMES THAT ARE GOOD HOMES .WELL ALL THERE DOING IS TRYING TO GET THESE KIDS OFF THERE HANDS AND GET THERE JOB DONE THEN ITS OVER AND THE KIDS ARE FORGOTTEN .MY NEICE IS PLACED WITH HER GRANDMOTHER WHO HAD TWO CHILDREN ,ONE WHO WAS A STREET WALKER AND THE MOTHER TO MY NEICE AND THE OTHER A SON IN JAIL ALLL HIS LIFE ,WHAT A GOOOD JOB SHE DONE WITH HER OWN KIDS THEN THE SYSTEM GIVES HER MY NIECE SO SHE CAN SCREW UP ANOTHER CHILDS LIFE .WE HAVE A GREAT SYSTEM LOOKING OUT FOR THESE CHILDREN TODAY ARE WE LUCKY OR WHAT .? I LIVE A HAFE HOUR FROM MY NEICE AND I CANT SEE HER ,YET I WAS ABLE TO ADOPT A LITTLE GIRL BUT I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO MY OWN NIECE WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS ? WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS AND PEOPLE WAKE UP TO WHATS GOING ON IN FOSTER CARE MAYBE THINGS WILL CHANGE .UNTILL THEN ITS JUST A GAME PASS THE BUCK AND NO ONE REALLY CARES ITS SO SAD YET FROM THE HEART SO TRUE .

I have found the one online personality quiz worth taking. Check it out.

That’s right, straight from the Beer Burgers world news headquarters located somewhere between my couch and the fridge, here are some fresh new events that are current, coming at you year 2000 style:

John McCain Criticizes Congress’s Excessive Spending
. . . on Male Prostitutes. Mr McCain pointed out in a recent press conference, that in the past three months, Congress has shattered all records for sex-related spending, often hiring three or more escorts per legislator for a single night of homosexual legistlative revelry. “Congress is now spending money like a drunken sailor,” said McCain, a former Navy officer, “and I’ve never known a sailor, drunk or sober, with the imagination that this Congress has. Or the passion for sex with men.” Although it is difficult to calculate exactly how much money Congress has spent, this year’s budget for lubricant and lotion expenses alone has already been surpassed by 1.2 billion. Other legislators could not be reached for comment, due to a “special joint session,” taking place at The Manhole, a bar in Adams-Morgan.

Massachusetts Supreme Court votes to allow Metrosexual marriage.
In a ruling that has been widely criticized by conservative groups, the Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled decisively that metrosexual men will be allowed to marry. Although the law limits these marriages to thin, emotionally shallow women with extremely expensive wardrobes, metrosexual groups across the nation have hailed it as a landmark of progress. Several openly metrosexual celebrities, including Bradd Pitt and Johnny Depp have been vocal in their support of the measure. However, conservative groups, most notably the Christian organization Focus on the Family, have criticized the ruling, explaining that when men start breaking the boundaries of their traditional gender roles, the next step is invariably Communism, followed closely by homosexuality, atheism, and a need to put pesto on a perfectly good pizza.