Beer Burgers

Howard Dean’s controversial statement that he plans to “restore slavery to America’s heartland,” has gone over well with many Southern conservatives, but may lose him some ground in more liberal areas, where President Bush’s programs of indentured servitude and debtors prisons have had great success in dealing with the nation’s unemployed. Democratic Hopeful Wesley Clark has already stepped up to criticize Dean’s comment, saying that “Only by constructing a massive treadmill, can we truly harness the potential productive energy found in our nation’s poor.”

On a related note, Warren Sapp’s highly publicized comments about the NFL’s “Slave Masters,” continue to spark controversy throughout the League. Jerry Rice, Donovan McNabb, and many of the NFL’s other leading slaves have made statements supporting Sapp’s assertion that NFL players receive payment for playing football, and that such payment consist, at a minimum, of forty acres of farmland and one (1) mule. Team owners, however, have been less enthusiastic. Jeffery Lurie, owner of the Philadelphia Eagles including Donovan McNabb and his family, made a statement to the press in which he reminded us that “The capacity of the football player for self-ownership is not in question. It has been proven by science, and supported by the Bible, that professional football players do not have the capacity to take responsibility for themselves. It is up to us, their owners, to ensure that they live lives of productivity and spirituality. Those of you who, like us, live among them, understand.”

Sean “P. Diddly Dooh Dah” Combs, has decided to expand his talents Combs, already widely known as the worlds greatest rapper, lover, and fashion designer, plans to compete in the New York City Marathon. Mr. Combs is widely expected to beat the favorites Rodgers Rop, Christopher Cheboiboch, and Robert Kipkoech Cheruiyotand, and to add “world’s greatest athlete” to his impressive list of qualifications. On a personal note, we here at Beer Burgers can’t get enough of “Piddly,” and intend to line the streets of New York cheering, and waiting for a chance to get just a glimpse of “P. Doody’s” all-platinum running shoes.

Ever since I moved to Pensacola, I’ve been dealing with stress. First it was moving, then it was starting classes, then it was being sick, then it was more class, and now, it’s just a ridiculous amount of work. What with one thing and another, I have been wound too damn tight for too damn long. I didn’t even realize it, but I spent Saturday reading webcomics and watching the History Channel, basically wasting time in the most chill and enjoyable way I know how, and at some point, something clicked inside me and I just relaxed. It was like a sudden silence when you’ve become completely adjusted to noise, and right now, I feel great. Stress can only get to you if you let it, and right now, it can’t touch me.

Speaking of the History Channel, I would just like to point out how incredibly cool it is that my B.A. advisor, Richard Hellie (who appeared in the miniseries Russia, Land of the Tsars) now shares a network with R. Lee Ermey, Roger Daltrey and Alice Cooper. Think about it: Two rock stars, one badass, and the most badass rock star of Slavic History have joined forces to rock our faces with education and make ignorance crush its own windpipe against their respective rock-hard hands. Life is good.

I haven’t actually played this video game, but I’ve seen the commercial, and I have to say that Tony Hawk’s Underground is not EXTREME enough for me. I’m sorry to say this. I know the designers worked long and hard to create this authentic documentary-style game about the lives of EXTREME dudes like me, but skateboarding off the roof of a building between a heliciopters rotor blades, and stealing a Russian Tank just doesn’t do it for me. I mean, look, I’m bungee jumping off the Hoover Dam without a bungee cord, right now, and I’m so bored I’m writing this just to keep awake. I’m so EXTREME I bolted a spoiler to my head just to make it go faster before I smash it into things, and I’m not even the most extreme person I know. My buddy ZaP snowboards off a waterfall with a bear strapped to his groin and his shoes on fire every day before breakfast.

Look, I don’t mind it when video game programmers try to reach out to me and my super-mega-extreme buds, but let’s keep it real. Nobody skateboards off the side of a building anymore. Nowadays, we’re all into Truckboarding, (If you’re not EXTREME, truckboarding is where you hop off a freeway overpass onto the top of a moving truck, and strap your foot to it, and then step across and strap your other foot to another truck, and try to stay upright for as long as you can, until the trucks literally pull your body to shreds. It’s radical!) and Skazzin’ (squirting battery acid into your eyes.) I mean, the game is definitely X-Treme, maybe xtreme, or even Exxtreme, but it’s not EXTREME, and that means it’s not EXTREME enough for me.

Later, dudes! Gotta hit the Skeds!

This is what it’s like out here. In case you were wondering.

I have updated the links section. Make with the clicking or I will post naked from now on, and that will make you very uncomfortable, and no one wants that.

I don’t usually dabble in Daily Show style “news comedy”, but yesterday, I thought of a great joke involving the California Recall. See it turns out that Arnold Shwartzenegger was in a movie called Total Recall, and now he’s in a recall election, so I thought I could probably make a really funny joke about that, but then I found out that the election is already over, so it’s not really that funny any more.

Anyway, I don’t want to miss the boat like that again, so I decided to head on over to Foxnews.com to find some headlines to make fun of in a hip and hilarious way. So here you have it, your first Beer Burgers Report:

Undead monstrosity Liza Minelli beat the crap out of that flabby, leathery sack of lard she married. Now I definitely agree that at this time in our nation’s history, we need to be paying closer attention than ever to terrifying undead celebrity romances, but there is another issue here, that many news sources have overlooked; namely, by admitting that he got his ass kicked by Liza Minelli, David Gest has officially claimed the title of the biggest single pussy on the face of this planet. The previous title-holder, the nation of France had no comment.

Apparently a bunch of men who wear dresses and penis-shaped hats believe that God doesn’t want them to let gays into their club. The Gay in question, Reverend V. Gene Robinson had this to say: “God and I have been about this for quite a while now and I would be really surprised if God were to want me to stop now,” I’m going to break the bounds of journalistic objectivity just for a second here and say that if this Homosexual has Direct Personal Access to the Supreme Being we should not only allow him to wear all the pretty dresses he wants, but also give him one million dollars to ask God to please not make us die.

Finally, noted anti-semite, David Blaine has finally given up on his hunger strike for the elimination of the Jewish people, due to a surprisingly negative response from the people of London. Blaine says he will “continue his work” in other ways. Blaine (30) is famous for his “Street Jew-Hating,” which has won him worldwide acclaim, despite criticism from older, more established anti-semites that his work is “sensationalistic,” and “not real anti-semitism.”

My flawless computerized brain just reminded me that I haven’t updated for real in a while, so I thought I would share some useful information with you. You see, my robot body has allowed me to soak up a vast amount of knowledge about puny human history in a very brief period of time, so today I have decided to share some of it with you. So here it is: a guide to the continents:

Europe
Europe is not strictly a continent. It’s more of a collection of countries too annoying to be anywhere else. Although Europe used to be important politically, it is now notable only for its discos, legalized drugs, and scat porn. Europeans enjoy art, inflated egos, and lots and lots of scat porn.

Australia
Australia was settled in the ninteenth century by criminals and kangaroos, and since then has developed into a vast, drunken frat party. While a trip to Australia can be a good time, remember that this continent has a five dollar cover charge, and a two drink minimum, and ladies immigrate free on Thursday nights.

Asia
Also known as the “Enemy Continent,” Asia is a vast and mysterious land. Its inhabitants are both wily and dangerous. They enjoy Communism, torture, and producing low-cost electronics. If encountered they should be avoided when possible and destroyed when necessary. Asia should only be visited by those skilled in Karate, or in posession of a giant robot.

Africa
This continent was founded by aliens in ancient times to serve as a base for their pyramids. Although some legends speak of it, concrete proof of Africa’s existence was first discovered in 1952 by a Soviet spy plane. Since then, Africa has remained largely unexplored. Although preliminary reports indicate that the Interior may be rich in gold and diamonds, few men have been brave enough to venture far inland, and fewer still have returned.

South America
This continent, more commonly known as “Mexico,” is a primitive place, filled with slums and tourist traps. Its inhabitants are a supersitious and ignorant bunch, many of whom do not even speak English. They amuse themselves by murdering each other over soccer matches, finding the Virgin Mary in burritto sauce, and attempting to sneak across the border into North (or Better) America. South America’s exports include tacos and cocaine, and apparently there are some pyramids there or something.

North America
North America, also known as “The Best Continent,” and “The United States and the Americettes,” is the continent that brought the world democracy, sunshine, and cowboys. While those of us who are lucky enough to live here often take our continent for granted, it is important to remember that we owe much of our our undeniable superiority to the continent we were lucky enough to discover completely uninhabited just two hundred short years ago.

A couple of nights ago, when I was in New York, Evan told me about some hipster slot-car racing party. It sounded kind of lame, and when we didn’t make it, I can’t say I cared. Now it turns out, one of my internet hereoes K Thor Jensen was there (unless there were two hipster slot-car races in lower Manhattan that night). I have wanted to buy K Thor a large glass of whiskey for years now. Oh well.

In any case, check out that link for great comics, thought-provoking e/n (what they had before blogs) and more.

Just a quick note to those of you I saw in New York - I miss you guys already, and when I am rich, none of you will ever pay for beer again. For those I missed, the same applies.

By the way, as those of you who read my blog, as opposed to the more popular “every other website” part of the internet, can probably tell, I have updated my links section with descriptions, and easy-to-identify blue text hyperlinks, that will transport you to magical lands of mystery and wonder with a simple click. You have no excuse not to click on them.

In conclusion, party on.

For the last two weeks, I’ve been going through water survival training. I’m going to share some useful techniques with you, just in case you ever find yourselves in water, and want to survive.

1. No matter how high you jump from, if you land in the water, you will be fine.

2. When in a survival situation with others, make sure to take charge of the food supply. Explain that only through careful rationing will you all be able to survive. Then, when everyone else is asleep, eat it all.

3. Not many people know this, but you can, in fact, have sex with a walrus. This is particularly helpful if you’re the kind of person who likes to have sex with overweight, elderly British Army Colonels.

4. Human flesh lasts a lot longer if you pickle it in seawater.

5. If you meet other survivors in another raft, something must be exchanged. Remember, nothing is free on Waterworld.