“All the news that’s fit to mock.”
Friday, October 31st, 2003Howard Dean’s controversial statement that he plans to “restore slavery to America’s heartland,” has gone over well with many Southern conservatives, but may lose him some ground in more liberal areas, where President Bush’s programs of indentured servitude and debtors prisons have had great success in dealing with the nation’s unemployed. Democratic Hopeful Wesley Clark has already stepped up to criticize Dean’s comment, saying that “Only by constructing a massive treadmill, can we truly harness the potential productive energy found in our nation’s poor.”
On a related note, Warren Sapp’s highly publicized comments about the NFL’s “Slave Masters,” continue to spark controversy throughout the League. Jerry Rice, Donovan McNabb, and many of the NFL’s other leading slaves have made statements supporting Sapp’s assertion that NFL players receive payment for playing football, and that such payment consist, at a minimum, of forty acres of farmland and one (1) mule. Team owners, however, have been less enthusiastic. Jeffery Lurie, owner of the Philadelphia Eagles including Donovan McNabb and his family, made a statement to the press in which he reminded us that “The capacity of the football player for self-ownership is not in question. It has been proven by science, and supported by the Bible, that professional football players do not have the capacity to take responsibility for themselves. It is up to us, their owners, to ensure that they live lives of productivity and spirituality. Those of you who, like us, live among them, understand.”
Sean “P. Diddly Dooh Dah” Combs, has decided to expand his talents Combs, already widely known as the worlds greatest rapper, lover, and fashion designer, plans to compete in the New York City Marathon. Mr. Combs is widely expected to beat the favorites Rodgers Rop, Christopher Cheboiboch, and Robert Kipkoech Cheruiyotand, and to add “world’s greatest athlete” to his impressive list of qualifications. On a personal note, we here at Beer Burgers can’t get enough of “Piddly,” and intend to line the streets of New York cheering, and waiting for a chance to get just a glimpse of “P. Doody’s” all-platinum running shoes.