Beer Burgers

I made a Flickr

Also, if you click this link here you can see what pictures people are uploading and where in real time.

I guess I don’t take blogging very seriously any more.

Well, what can I say? It’s been a busy six months? I’ve been trapped in a mineshaft? I’ve been kidnapped by ninjas? Well all of that is more or less true, and I can’t promise there won’t be another six months of nothing, but for now, I’ve got a little something for you all.

It’s Adventure Time:

1. Grill Meat, using fire.

2. Eat meat.

3. Stand way too close to fireworks.

4. Attempt to win drinking contest in which you are not techinically participating.

5. Hold field-expedient rave in the hallway using absurdly poor beat-boxing skills and lightswitches.

6. Describe a roman candle as “like the penis of being made of pure energy that has evolved beyond the need for a body but not beyond the need for a penis.”

Happy Independence Day, motherbitches! Go get drunk and set some stuff on fire!

Also, you need to watch this video, or else you hate America.

Hey kids, how about instead of an entry, I give you another youtube link like every other blog in the universe?

I just love that record-scratch sound effect.

And speaking of which, here is the clip that got me started on this whole youtube thing: Shining!

And finally, watch my drunken hero and godfather of Portal of Evil, K Thor, rock the shit on horrifically embarrasing television disaster Blind Date. Holy hell that made my week. Rollin’ with the dirt dog!

And if you’re disappointed with the quality of this entry, here is a page of Batman Onomotopeia in Spanish, and you can take that to the bank.

If you have ever found yourself sitting in a shack in the middle of a huge grass field in the Florida panhandle waiting for your turn to fly a helicopter around the pattern for an hour and a half, you might have discovered that the TV in the waiting area only gets one channel, and, if it was between nine am and noon, you might have found youself watching “Martha Stewart Living” out of sheer, desperate, eye-gouging boredom. I can’t imagine why anyone who has never found themself in that situation would be familiar with this particular television show. However, if you have ever watched the show, you wil probably find this completely awesome. Give it a few minutes to get going. It gets really, really good.

Martha Stewart’s most awesome guest ever.

While discussing the next scheduled Nuclear, Biological and Chemical training event (known as the gas chamber), the following exchange took place:

Co-worker #1: The last gas chamber was pretty good. They got everyone in and out of there in like three hours.

Co-worker #2 (sarcastically): Yeah, it was so good, I’m thinking of bringing my family to the next one.

Me: You know, I’d bring my family to the next one, but they have this wierd thing about gas chambers.

Sudden Horrified Silence: . . .

Well I thought it was funny.

Things I should not be worrying about, but am:

1. I’m not blogging enough.

2. Although I maintain some of the trappings of urban hipster* culture (iPod, off-beat t-shirts, blog, etc), it would probably be a depressing and alienating experience to attempt to fit in with said culture for any length of time. Given this likelihood, am I merely desperately attempting to define myself as different from those around me any way I can?

3. The difficulty and time-consumingness of converting DVD’s over to mp4’s for use on my new playstation portable.

4. Dying alone.

5. Realizing the full potential of the various video game consoles I possess.

6. Hair Loss.

Things I am not worried about but should be:

1. My taxes.

2. My career.

3. learning how many kilometers are in 3000 miles so I can find out how long overdue my car is for an oil change.

4. Iran.

*I am using hipster here to mean people who live in New York, are in their twenties, and share a similar socioeconomic background to my own, especially those who pride themselves on not being hipsters.

Man, that was a pretty weak-sauce entry after such a long hiatus. I should be ashamed of myself.

I found this on the internet. It made me laugh:

Funny thing.

Dr. McNinja

“We need to talk first. Pants later.”

The Pain, When Will It End?”

You may expect a return to your regularly scheduled comedy approximately whenever the next time I think of something funny is.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the computernet! Is it that time again? Yes indeed it is! It is time to travel back to the early days of computers and the internet, far back in the mists of time, one hundred years ago.

On hundred years ago, the internet was not like it is today. Computers at the time were massive, cumbersome machines, driven by steam furnaces. It would take a team of coolies hours to boot one, stoking the furnace with coal. The monitors of the time were basically high-speed looms which would assemble crude lines of text and pictures by means of an array of different colors of yarn and rotating needles. Obviously, these machines were beyond the reach of the average family’s finances, but they were popular among the wealthy, and, when connected in a network by means of semaphore code or a telegraph, they created a stable, if unsophisticated internet, which could distribute blogs , or “Weblographs” as they were known at the time.

Just as they are today, the blogs of the time were preoccupied with current events, and, like today’s blogs, they tended to get caught up in the excitement when something big seemed about to happen. Today’s histori-blog entry is a perfect example of this phenomenon, as it dates from the Great Blimp Scare of 1905, the most significant news story of one hundred years ago.

The stately zeppelin, once the symbol of man’s conquest of the empyrean realm, now, a spectre of terror, ready to bear the fury of the Hun to our beloved homeland.

Although the government is doing what it can to protect out people,, we must be prepared to defend ourselves. We here at the Ale and Barger heartily recommend the use of a stout umbrella, reinforced with iron spars, available in a smaller, parasol form for our readers of the fairer sex. Such a device has the additional benefit that it can be used to bludgeon into insensibility any German or Irish immigrants that cross our readers’ paths. (Editors’s Note- The function of links in HTML was provided in the early internet by a red-hot poker with a row of moveable type letters at the top. The reader could spell out the word in question, and apply the device to the flesh of a slave, indentured servant or immigrant, who would then spring from the room with great speed and go fetch the item or information required, which would be conveniently displayed upon his skin for any retailer or man of learning to discern. The system, while crude and somewhat inhumane, was very effective).

Remember, bold readers of the Ale and Barger, that he who hesitates is lost, and join us in our bold defense of our homeland against the Huns, Saracens, and Robots that plague our shores!

Now that’s good Internet! Join us next week when we hearken back to the Salami on the Doorknob Scare of Aught Six.